The Santa Conspiracy
by pandorasnotebook
Summary: Christmas Oneshot. The Cullen boys all have a bone to pick with Santa. How does Carlisle fit into this? Merry Christmas!


**Hey there! Pan here! Welcome to my Christmas special! Enjoy!**

**The Santa Conspiracy**

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the Cullen's house not a vampire was stirring except....

Jasper Hale crouched behind the loveseat, tensed and ready. In one hand he gripped a flashlight.

"Muahahaha." He chuckled deep in his throat. "I'm gonna get you this year Santa.... When you come down that chimney I'm going to blind you with this light the BITE! And I will finally get a taste of the sweetest, jolliest blood in the universe!"

Jasper had been searching for the sweetest blood in the universe for several years and, through extensive mathematical calculations and many days spent searching Google Earth, he narrowed it down to the sweetest man in the world- Mister Santa Claus.

He peeked out into the living room then did an army roll to get under the coffee table. "You're goin' down Santa!"

Meanwhile, Edward Cullen crept to take over Jasper's hiding place without realizing it's previous occupant had been there only moments before. In his hands he gripped an extra large butterfly net and a camera.

"I will have proof that Santa exists..." He whispered feverishly. "So far I have proven vampires, werewolves, whatever weird thing Jacob Black is, Bigfoot, and I have doctored up a pretty good pictures of the Loch Ness monster." He licked his lips. "Now I will prove Santa is real."

Edward's recent trip to Scotland to search for the monster his daughter was named after had been less than productive but he had learned how to use PhotoShop and, after that, finding 'proof' was easy.

He shot a quick glance over the top of the loveseat to make sure the coast was clear. Then he ran as fast as he could to hide behind the curtains.

A minute or two later, Emmett Cullen tiptoed into the room and hid behind the loveseat. In his oversized hands he held a gun and some scotch tape.

"Santa had better bring me Malibu Barbie this year or else that fatty is goin' down." He mumbled through clenched teeth.

Emmett had the right to be mad. For four years he had been mailing Santa non-stop about the new Barbie. Did he ever get it? No!

He settled down behind the seat, getting more comfortable for the wait until Santa arrived. Click, click click. He tapped the gun against his knee. "Come on out Santa..."

While everything was happening downstairs, Carlisle Cullen was up on the roof, one hand on the chimney for support. He slid the big white beard made out of material that felt like cotton balls over his face and put on the red hat. He sighed and tried to prepared himself for this strenuous annual event.

"Every year." He muttered to himself. "My children are immortal vampires and they still believe in stupid Santa Claus! Every year they fall for the same act."

And every year they found another reason to be upset with Santa. But this year that was about to change! Carlisle patted the bag of goodies fondly. After this year the Cullen's would love Santa!

He perched on the edge of the chimney as he tried to remember how was the correct way to go down. Not headfirst. He remembered that much from five years ago. Ouch. He could still feel the splinters in the back of his neck.

He pushed his black sack of goodies down before him, hoping to set off any traps at the bottom. When nothing happened he slid down also.

Carlisle took a deep, calming breath, squinting to see out of the black cloud of ash. As he stepped out, his eyes searched the ground for a tripwire. He wasn't sure if his sons had perfected the rigged net trap yet.

Suddenly there was a lot of loud battle cries that could only mean one thing- the party was about to begin.

Emmett jumped out from behind the sofa, gun raised. "Freeze, Santa!" He yelled.

Carlisle froze, wondering who in their right mind would give Emmett a gun.

"Hand over 'da Malibu Barbie!"

Before Carlisle could even begin to do that, he found himself trapped in the confines of a butterfly net.

_Flash. _Edward's camera went off in his face. "Smile, Santa!"

Last was Jasper, who pounced a moment later than Edward, knocking the coffee table clear across the room.

"Yes! Finally!" Edward said triumphantly, camera clicking furiously.

Emmett's gun was shaking in his hands. "Don't push me, fatty! I'm giving you until the count of ten! Give me my Barbie!"

Jasper had, by this time, connected with Carlisle's neck. Carlisle had had enough foresight to sprinkle some sugar around his neck so when Jasper bit down he thought he was tasting the sweetest blood when he was really eating straight sugar.

"One..." Emmett began counting.

"Give me happy! Give me sad! Give me anger! Give me Rudolph just died!" Edward was saying, snapping pictures. Apparently he was too into his pictures to read Carlisle's mind which was focused on not killing them all.

"Two...."

Jasper was now making slurping noises, licking his neck.

Carlisle just stood there, hands balled into fists at his sides. It was hard to remember exactly why he had changed Edward and Emmett and taken in Jasper at times like these.

"Three..."

"Gnaw-gnaw-gnaw-gnaw-gnaw!" Jasper made that noise as he chewed on Carlisle's neck.

"Four..."

"I love you, make me hate you!" Edward was saying.

"Five.....Don't make me do it Santa!" Emmett said.

"Gnaw-gnaw-gnaw!"

"You're fabulous, darling!"

"Six.....I will do it!"

"Gnaw-gnaw-gnaw!"

"Lean to the left. To the right. Pop the hip. Little smile. Work it! Sexy pose!"

"Seven...."

"Gnaw-gnaw-gnaw!"

"Flip the hair! Stroke the beard! You're a natural!"

"Eight...."

"Gnaw-gnaw-gnaw!"

Carlisle twitched.

"Naw, crazy doesn't work for me." Edward said, stroking his non-existent beard. "Give me 'I just received a baby kitten'! Give me 'I just ate the baby kitten'! Give me 'Pimple on picture-day!'! Give me 'Mrs. Claus is on the naughty list'! You own this shoot!"'

"Nine."

Carlisle reached into his bag and tossed Emmett the Barbie.

Emmett squealed like....well, like a little girl on Christmas morning, dropping his gun. "This is magic! I loves it!" He cradled the box to his chest.

Carlisle peeled Jasper off his neck.

He chomped at the air for several seconds.

Carlisle forced a small flask into his hands. "It's some of my blood- the sweetest blood in the world."

"Universe." Jasper corrected staring at the bottle in awe.

"Same difference." The 'blood' was actually sugar water with red dye but that was a little fact that Jasper didn't need to be alerted of.

Carlisle reached into his sack and pulled out another box. Edward took it eagerly, shaking it a little. "A pony?" He guessed before opening it.

It was an extension package for his PhotoShop. "Yes! Now I can make realistic tooth fairy photos!" He cheered.

Carlisle sighed. "M'kay, I'm leaving."

"Wait!" Emmett said. "You look really familiar."

Carlisle froze.

"Didn't I see you in the mall last week?"

Carlisle let out the breath he had been holding.

"Dude, that was the _mall Santa_. They are Santa's helpers not the real thing!" Jasper informed him. "Their blood is not nearly as sweet."

Carlisle shuddered, moving toward the chimney.

"You forgot your mandatory Santa lines!" Emmett reminded him.

"Uh....Merry Christmas to all! And to all a good night!?"

"Now laugh." Emmett instructed.

"Ho ho ho."

Rosalie appeared in the doorway. "Did somebody call me- OH MA CARLISLE! IT'S SANTA!"

Carlisle flinched at the use of his name.

"No." Jasper said. "Nobody called you. Santa just said 'ho ho-' Oh!" He laughed. "Ho....I get it. Funny."

"I told ya he was real, Rose!" Edward bragged.

"Do I- do I get a present?" She asked, lower lip trembling.

Carlisle had not expected anyone except the boys to stake out the place and had not brought anything for Rose. "Uh....no." He said after thinking for a couple seconds. "You have been, uh, very naughty!"

Emmett chuckled so Carlisle amended quickly, "You have not been nice to Bella. Be nice and I will consider giving a gift...uh, to the brilliant and handsome doctor, Carlisle, to give to you."

Rosalie nodded. "I'll try for you, Santa!" She said batting her lashes at him.

Carlisle shifted uncomfortably toward the fire place. "Uh..."

"Hey!" Emmett growled. "You trying to steal my woman, Claus!?!"

Recognizing danger, Carlisle made a dash for the chimney. He felt Emmett's hand snatching at the air under him feet but, thankfully, Emmett was too big to continue the pursuit all the way up to the roof.

Rosalie's carrying request of "Meet me under the mistletoe!" was immediately followed by a cry from Emmett.

"Watch your back, Claus! Next year we'll be ready! You're going down!"

And Carlisle had thought this year would finally bring peace.

* * *

**Disclaimer- I don't own Twilight. Although the rights to it would be a great present (hint, hint, Stephenie)**

**Thanks for reading! Please review (you want more Christmas magic with the Cullens? Read my '07 Christmas story ****Naughty or Nice?****)**

**Merry Christmas to all!**


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